what if money was no object?
You have heard the question many times before but do you have an answer? What would you be doing if money was no object? If you could do what ever you wanted to do? Sometimes the question is asked during deep conversations after your third or fourth coffee. Perhaps though you ask it on days when you would prefer to be doing anything except what you have to do. It wouldn’t have to be the one thing. Anything else would do.
Today is one of those days. I have lost count of the number of mistakes I have made. The number of times that I have missed the mark, forgotten where I was, said or done the wrong thing or just drawn a big fat blank. It is frustrating and I will admit there have been times when I have wanted to give up. Days when I have heard myself thinking about reasons why going on with it is a stupid idea, why (given, of course, the mistakes and poor decisions made by others) it makes sense to stop.
Mornings when I haven’t wanted to get out of bed because I knew I had to do it again and evenings when I wanted to get back into bed because, well, because I knew I had to go and do it again and again. As the deadline looms it seems to magnify every mistake I make, every time I don’t get it right, every time someone else doesn’t do what they are supposed to do.
Weeks and weeks of feeling like that can get you down.
And it has. I found myself thinking it would all be better if only I was doing that one thing. Then life would be easier, less frustrating, less hectic and less exhausting.
Until I remembered that I am feeling that way because I am doing the one thing. That thing I would do if money was no object. I am rehearsing for a touring theatrical production and it is all of those things.
I think many people live their lives believing that if they could just be doing that one thing that life would be easier, less frustrating, less hectic and less exhausting. Many are surprised to discover that it can in fact be the opposite. It can be harder, more frustrating, more hectic, more exhausting … and they lose sight of the fact that despite all that (perhaps because of it?) life is better.
I think it was M. Scott Peck who said that leading an examined life is much, much harder than living a life of ignorance, but having opened the door you would never go back. I think it is also true of doing that one thing. It is harder … and you would never go back to not doing it.
I think that is how you can tell what your one thing is.
You see, I think we misinterpret the question. It’s not about what you would do if you had all the money in the world. It is about asking yourself what you do when that thing burns inside you so brightly that having money or not having money is no reason to object. It is the one thing you do despite the frustration and the exhaustion AND your life is better because you do it.
***
If you would like me to come and share with you and your team the insights that come from the experiential learning environments that I create, make me an offer via the Contact Me page.
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fifteen seconds of fame
Apparently we all want it. Fifteen seconds of fame. I reckon I am almost there.
Things have been crazy these last few weeks and as you are reading this I hope to have survived the opening weekend of the play I am currently rehearsing. I want to share more about the value of rehearsal in the coming weeks but for now I wanted to share the highlight of my week.
A month or two back I had the pleasure of spending the afternoon with the The Amity Affliction filming their latest video “Don’t Lean on Me” which has just been released. It may not be the type of music you usually listen to and if you are at work you might want to make sure you have the volume down before you watch the clip below (strong language warning), but if you watch through to about 2:20 you will see yours truly. I can honestly say the smile was genuine. The guys in the band are great and the team from filmSmith who shot and produced it were amazing as were the rest of my “family”. Enjoy. I did.
***
If you would like me to come and share with you and your team the insights that come from the experiential learning environments that I create, make me an offer via the Contact Me page.
If you enjoyed reading this or my other posts and you would like to read more, you can subscribe and receive them via email simply by putting your email address into the Email Subscription box just on the right of my blog home page. You will receive a confirmation email (which some systems will think is spam so keep an eye on your junk mail) that you need to acknowledge to complete the subscription process.
After you have subscribed, send this post on to your friends. Go on. You know at least one person who should read this post and three more who could use a bit of shaking up… seriously. Do it now. You read this far so send it on! I promise they won’t judge you or think less of you if you do.
Do you have a relationship that is less than you want it to be and you would like it to be more? Was it once what you wanted? Can you put your finger on what has changed?
There is one thing that underpins every relationship in our life.
Just one thing that we need. One thing that is one directional but that must occur on two levels because without that one thing there are no relationships. It is something you have to do.
For everyone but the narcissist one level is not enough. In every relationship there must be two. Pushing or pulling it in the other direction will only hinder not help.
You and I don’t have a relationship. For now anyway. You give me the one thing but, for now, on just one level.
(Don’t worry, I am ok with that. I want you to know that I will continue to leave the door open in the hope that one day we will because one day you will. I want to be in a relationship. We both do.)
There is a script* that forms the basis for every relationship. It is simple. Just two steps between strangers and friends. You will forgive me if I put them to you from my perspective of our relationship. I will stand to one side while you extend them into your own life, your own relationships.
(Have you ever thought about that phrase – the relationships that you own? You may be in relationship with someone, you may well share a relationship – but you hold the power and so every relationship you are in is one that you own.)
That is never as clear as when you consider our not-quite relationship. The one that you own. But why do you own it? What is it that gives you the power over me?
Step 1. I need you to be interested in me.
We have this much you and I. You are reading my words. Demonstrating your interest in me through the investment of a piece of your time, of your life, into reading my words. You are, to that extent, interested in me (or perhaps only in my mind) but as we stand together on that first step I am happy.
But not so fast. Relationships are never easy and the next step may need you to think a little. I hope you find it challenging because I would hate to waste your time by making this relationship thing all too easy…
Step 2: I need you to be interested in me being interested in you.
And that is where our not-quite relationship ends. Every day my contact me page sits idly twiddling its virtual thumbs waiting for you to reach out, to show that you are interested in me being interested in you and your work. Until then we have no relationship and I am left standing on the first step. When you do, we can take that next step. We could have a relationship.
You will see in these two simple steps the basis of everything from the deepest relationships to unrequited love. In the latter, she shows interest in him (perhaps for something he can offer) but she has no interest in him being interested in her (perhaps because she has a partner or has no desire for one). He has been put firmly in the “friend zone” and will languish there. They have the one thing but it is only on one level, and (as I am sure you already know from bitter or perhaps bitter-sweet experience) him pushing or pulling it in the other direction will only hinder not help.
You must climb these two steps for a relationship to start and you must stand on the top step together for it to continue. If just one takes a single step down the relationship is all but over. Even a step sideways can signal the end because if you are more interested in another than you are in me (or if you are more interested in another being interested in you than me (stay with me, I said it would require you to think!)) then we are not that interesting anymore.
You know that feeling. That some thing has been lost. We all do. At one time we all have lost the one thing.
A new job. A new hobby. A sporting interest rekindled. A new friend. It may be a new relationship with paint or with clay or with fabric or with wood or with steel. The interest goes elsewhere and we feel its absence. It may even be a fascination with the other that was conceived out of the depth of your mutual interest. Many a father has suspected over the months that it would come and then comes to know he has slipped from the top step to the bottom step in that wonderful moment when a new life takes its first breath and his old life takes its last. And he wouldn’t change it for the world because he now has a reason to change the world but…
It. Has. Changed. Every thing.
You own your relationships. I own mine. We are in them together. You must be interested in me and you must be interested in me being interested in you. I must be interested in you and I must be interested in you being interested in me.
Without that we don’t have a thing, we are no thing at all.
So, if you have a relationship that is less than you want it to be and you would like it to be more … ask yourself :
Am I showing enough interest?
Am I doing enough to show that I am interested in them? Am I doing enough to show that I am interested in them being interested in me?
If you are sure, really sure, that your answers to both questions are yes and you are sure, absolutely sure, there is nothing more you could do … give them this post to read and tell them you are interested. Interested in hearing how they think you are doing.
Now that would be something.
***
* If you want to know more see Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self by Donald L. Nathanson; or the original source by Silvan Tomkins Affect Imagery Consciousness ( http://www.tomkins.org/ )
If you would like me to take our relationship to the next level and would like me to come and share with you and your team the insights that come from the experiential learning environments that I create, make me an offer via the Contact Me page.
If you enjoyed reading this or my other posts and you are interested in reading more, you can subscribe and receive them via email simply by putting your email address into the Email Subscription box just on the right of my blog home page. You will receive a confirmation email (which some systems will think is spam so keep an eye on your junk mail) that you need to acknowledge to complete the subscription process. Your interest will make me smile.
After you have subscribed, send this post on to your friends. Go on. You know at least one person who should read this post and three more who could use a bit of shaking up… seriously. Do it now. You read this far so send it on! Show them you are interested in them. I promise they won’t judge you or think less of you if you do.
just another reason why I hate myself
Have you wondered how it happens that you go into a meeting intending to give negative feedback to someone and find yourself leaving after having spent most of the meeting consoling and reassuring them they are not that bad?
A few weeks ago I wrote about “fine!” arguments that often result in the physical as well as emotional separation of the people involved. I am sure you recognised the situation and the circumstances that give rise to those sorts of exchanges but I am equally sure that you felt there was a part of that conversation that was missing.
There is.
There is another argument going on. Instead of going head-to-head with your boss or significant other this new opponent is much more skilled at attacking you at your weakest points. They know every one of your secrets and they are not afraid to use them against you. It is a fight that you can not run away from and it is one that you will never be able to win.
That is because you are fighting with the voice inside your head.
On the surface the argument sounds like this:
Them: “I cannot believe you could be so insensitive.”
You: “Me? You’re the one who called me fat.”
Them: “I didn’t say you were fat, I simply said that the clothes dryer wouldn’t shrink your pants that much.”
You: “You meant that I had put on weight.” (Pause)
But inside your head it can often sound like this:
Them: “I cannot believe you could be so insensitive.”
You: “Me? You’re the one who called me fat.” Oh God, you’re right. I have put on weight. I have no self-control.
Them: “I didn’t say you were fat, I simply said that the clothes dryer wouldn’t shrink your pants that much.”
You: “You meant that I had put on weight.” (Pause) But I know that what you really meant is that you don’t love me because I can’t control myself and why would you love me, just look at me, I mean I don’t deserve to be loved….
and it results in us adding this to the conversation:
You: “You are right, I am fat and ugly and I have no self-control.”
It feels bad to be in that conversation. Really bad. There is nothing that feels good about declaring negative things about ourselves.
You can substitute just about anything for “fat” – physical ability or capability, mental capacity, interpersonal skill, career success, beverage choice … the list is endless but the internal conversation is almost always the same.
Deliberately or not, the fact you have drawn attention to one of my potential shortcomings becomes just another reason why I hate myself.
In “fine” arguments we are motivated by the idea that the best defense is a good offense. To protect ourselves we attack the other person for real or imagined transgressions in the hope they will run away, in the hope they will stop.
This is the other side of that same coin – where the best defense is to have no defense. To avoid conflict we simply agree and join in the attack on ourselves. Perhaps, if I do a good enough job of attacking myself, of declaring my deficiencies and putting myself down, you might stop. You might even feel sorry enough for me to tell me I am wrong!
So what have I gained by joining you in attacking me? The answer is the hope of some control – control over what form the attacks take and how deep they go. It is a race to the bottom where winning is losing but at least I got there first and I got some say in laying out the finish line.
It is at its heart a self-protective response aimed at controlling and hopefully minimising the pain I feel. But it can also be used manipulate others and gain control over them. There is no need to talk about my poor behavior in meetings (or any other issues I might be creating in the workplace) if I can take you quickly past that down into the miserable failings in the rest of my life. My excessive and immediate self-flagellation is intended to avoid having to take responsibility by stopping you before you really get started.
Used in this way the unrelenting attacks that come from within ourselves are incredibly damaging to our relationships and our self-confidence and causes others to conclude we lack self-esteem.
There are times when it is appropriate that we do this to ourselves – when there is no question we are wrong, when we have behaved poorly, we are rude or insensitive or when we have done something that results in others dealing with the consequences of our poor choice of action. Admitting our actual failures to ourselves and to those we have harmed and taking responsibility for those actions is an important step towards making amends and beginning to restore and repair damaged relationships.
Used in this way to identify how we might need to change or how we might act differently next time helps build our relationships and our self-confidence.
There is no trick in being able to tell the two approaches apart – you will know which one you are seeing. The challenge is in not letting yourself getting caught up in the race to the bottom because if you do, nobody wins.
***
If you would like me to come and share with you and your team the insights that come from the experiential learning environments that I create, make me an offer via the Contact Me page.
If you enjoyed reading this or my other posts and you would like to read more, you can subscribe and receive them via email simply by putting your email address into the Email Subscription box just on the right of my blog home page. You will receive a confirmation email (which some systems will think is spam so keep an eye on your junk mail) that you need to acknowledge to complete the subscription process.
After you have subscribed, send this post on to your friends. Go on. You know at least one person who should read this post and three more who could use a bit of shaking up… seriously. Do it now. You read this far so send it on! I promise they won’t judge you or think less of you if you do.
what grabs you?
Giving someone a knife and telling them, in front of 66 of their peers, to stab you in the stomach doesn’t seem like a sensible thing to do. You can almost see the blade sinking into the flesh, your body curling up in an attempt to avoid the tip. In a perverse way it almost seems inevitable, like you can do nothing other than watch the knife make its way into your stomach.
The knife (a wooden tanto or practice knife – I am not completely insane!) was a step up, the next progression of an exercise we had been doing that provides a physical experience of how we get caught and taken off-balance by the things that grab us as we try to navigate our way through each day. Stuff grabs us all the time and it doesn’t have to be a knife or someone reaching out to hold on to you.
Much of it feels the same – finding out that you have been made redundant can feel a lot like getting hit in the stomach with a knife.
It doesn’t have to be potentially life changing – it might only be that someone has declined a request we have made of them. It is easy to be unbalanced by an alarm that doesn’t go off when you have to get up for an early meeting.
Sometimes the thing that grabs us isn’t even directed at us – coming home after a tough day to find your partner has had an even worse day and needs to vent can shake you up just as bad.
It is easy to get stuck by letting your attention get taken to what ever it is that grabs you. To get caught and feel trapped by the circumstances. Like the knife it can seem inevitable that it will do you in.
It isn’t.
In fact, a whole new set of possible futures can open up for you if you know how to turn the grab into a gift.*
The first step is to acknowledge that someone or something has grabbed you. Ignoring it will not help. Giving in just puts you forever at their mercy. Fighting it will only result in, well … a fight.
Don’t be fooled though, sometimes acknowledging you have been grabbed is the hardest part.
Once you can notice that you have been grabbed the key is to not focus on the thing that grabs you – because if you do, like the knife, you will not be able to see anything else. (A good way to tell where you are focused is to listen to your inner monologue – if it is a pretty constant stream of epithets directed towards a boss or a partner who always does this sort of thing just to … well you get the idea.)
Instead, just notice that you have been grabbed and create a different conversation – “Isn’t that interesting! Wow. I really have been grabbed good this time haven’t I? I wonder why?”
Yes, but what about the knife I hear you ask? I can’t ignore it or I will get stabbed! What about the fact that I no longer have a job? I can’t just sit here and do nothing – I need to do something or I will have no money!
I didn’t say ignore it and I didn’t say to just accept it and do nothing. Just notice you have been grabbed and then look around. Then you will start to see that you have other options and other actions open to you. From there you will be able to create new opportunities that will deal with the knife or your concerns about income in a way that you cannot if you focus on what has grabbed you.
Try it. You’ll be surprised.
***
* This post was inspired by my good friend and mentor Lance Giroux of Allied Ronin who first introduced me to seeing a grab as a gift.
If you would like me to come and share with you and your team the insights that come from the experiential learning environments that I create, make me an offer via the Contact Me page. If you enjoyed reading this or my other posts and you would like to read more, you can subscribe and receive them via email simply by putting your email address into the Email Subscription box just on the right of my blog home page. You will receive a confirmation email (which some systems will think is spam so keep an eye on your junk mail) that you need to acknowledge to complete the subscription process.
After you have subscribed, send this post on to your colleagues. Go on. You know at least one person who should read this post and three more who could use a bit of shaking up… seriously. Do it now – it isn’t difficult! You read this far so send it on! I promise they won’t judge you or think less of you if you do.
it all depends on your script
When I am teaching people about Affect Script Psychology they often struggle to understand the role that scripts play in our lives. To put it simply, we use a script to determine how we respond to a particular type of stimulus in a particular context. Our scripts are to a large extent a function of our biography, our history. They encompass how we have learned to see the world. The best way to illustrate scripts that I have found is this short video. It shows two people who are receiving the same stimulus in the same context. Their reactions couldn’t be more different and are determined by their scripts. One experiences fear. The other enjoyment.
Oh, and who you empathise with says much about the scripts you have!
***
If you would like me to come and share with you and your team the insights that come from the experiential learning environments that I create, make me an offer via the Contact Me page or via my LinkedIn profile.
If you enjoyed reading this or my other posts and you would like to read more, you can subscribe and receive them via email simply by putting your email address into the Email Subscription box just on the right of my blog home page. You will receive a confirmation email (which some systems will think is spam so keep an eye on your junk mail) that you need to acknowledge to complete the subscription process.
After you have subscribed, send this post on to your friends. Go on. You know at least one person who should read this post and three more who could use a bit of shaking up… seriously. Do it now. You read this far so send it on! I promise they won’t judge you or think less of you if you do.
the best sales people have no shame
“The best way to avoid punch, is no be there!”
– Mr Miyagi, The Karate Kid (1984)
Why is it that some people seem to ignore that advice and are able to keep coming back for more?
Most of us don’t. We avoid the punches and for good reason. It makes sense to get out of the way of a fist. But having learned how, we apply the principle unthinkingly to other parts of our lives.
- We stay in our current job because if we don’t apply for that interesting new role then we can’t be told no.
- We remain single because if we never ask that interesting other they cannot decline.
- We don’t call because if we never make a sales call then there is no opportunity for the person on the other end to indicate their level of interest by hanging up on us.
- We don’t write that story, paint that picture, create anything that scares us ….
We find apparently valid reasons for not applying, not asking, not creating or not calling to protect ourselves from a future in which our request might be declined – avoiding a punch that may only possibly come our way. We anticipate the punishing bad feelings associated with hearing someone say “no” to us and, understandably, we take (in)action to avoid it.
That is the best way right? I mean Mr Miyagi said so…
No.
There are huge costs associated with avoiding the experience of being told no. I was recently presented with the following numbers in a sales context:
- half of all sales people NEVER follow-up with a prospect;
- around a quarter of all sales people make a 2nd contact and stop; and only…
- 10% of sales people make more than 4 contacts.
When you are avoiding punches that makes perfect sense. A second contact implies the first resulted in a blow to our ego, a third means two previous blows. Each new decline hurting just as much if not more than the first that took much of the wind from our sails. But what have we lost by avoiding the shame triggered by hearing them “no thank you”?
- only 5% of sales are made on the 1st or 2nd contact;
- 15% of sales are made on the 3rd or 4th contact; and
- 80% of sales are made on the 5th to 12th contact.
Why is it that some people can keep coming back for more? What makes them different from the other 90% of the population who give up after just one or two contacts?
The answer lies in how we listen to a “no” and in our strategies for dealing with the negative affect that it triggers.
One way to listen to someone who has declined to take a call from you is that they are declining because of who you are. To hear their rejection of your offer as a rejection of who you are and as evidence that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. After one or two no’s listening that way can cause you to start questioning yourself, whether you are cut out for this sort of work, whether you are actually good at anything.
Another way to listen is that they are declining because of something that you did (or didn’t do). To hear their rejection of your offer as a rejection of something that, for now, they don’t believe they need. One or two of these declines will cause you to start questioning how you are going about things. Can you find out why what you are offering doesn’t meet their needs? Maybe you have failed to make clear what it is you are offering? Are you even calling the right people?
The first decline lands like a punch, the second more like a nudge in a new direction. The first, aligned with Dweck’s “fixed mindset”§, diminishes our global capability by adding one more thing to the list of things that we cannot do. The second, aligned with a “growth mindset”, identifies a local opportunity for us to learn something new or something that requires more practice until we can do it.
In both cases the rejection triggers the punishing feelings associated with the shame affect. What we do with the information it provides is the key.
It is not that the people who do the best in sales have no shame – it is that they are able to notice it and to quickly move past it to ask questions about what they can do differently next time. They use their affect system the way it was designed, as a signal they need to take a different course of action.
The implications extend far beyond people who are “in sales” to putting yourself forward for a new role, writing, painting, sculpting or doing anything creative that others will see. If you want to succeed, instead of asking “What are your strategies for dealing with fear?” find strategies to move yourself past the negative affect triggered by being told “no”. Sometimes it can be as simple as saying “That’s really interesting. Could you tell me more about why you have said no?”
It is that easy. And for many of us, to be honest, it is that hard.
***
§ Dweck, C. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. http://mindsetonline.com/
If you would like me to come and share with you and your team the insights that come from the experiential learning environments that I create, make me an offer via the Contact Me page or via my LinkedIn profile.
If you enjoyed reading this or my other posts and you would like to read more, you can subscribe and receive them via email simply by putting your email address into the Email Subscription box just on the right of my blog home page. You will receive a confirmation email (which some systems will think is spam so keep an eye on your junk mail) that you need to acknowledge to complete the subscription process.
After you have subscribed, send this post on to your friends. Go on. You know at least one person who should read this post and three more who could use a bit of shaking up… seriously. Do it now. You read this far so send it on! I promise they won’t judge you or think less of you if you do.
what are your strategies for dealing with fear?
We all experience fear and we all have strategies for dealing with it. Applying for a new job; asking for a pay rise; submitting proposals; cold calling; annual performance review; submitting proposals; asking someone out – all can be rich sources of fear!
Not surprisingly when the question was posed recently in a LinkedIn group for sales professionals it provoked a large number of responses. They ranged from one liners like Take action. “The antidote to fear is action” to lengthy and wide-ranging posts from people who clearly have many years of sales experience.
The question is an important one because as author and sales coach Jill Konrath (who posed the original question) reflected … the other thing I discovered as I thought through my first year in sales — was that my ability to deal with this fear was what made me successful. It kept me in the game till I actually learned how to sell.
So what advice did people have to offer?
- A common piece of advice was to practice – something I am very passionate about. Role playing possible sales conversations is said to build confidence and self-esteem. I agree.
- Taking action by just facing your fear and picking up the phone and calling was another popular suggestion. A more direct form of practice I suppose. The common wisdom seemed to be that you will improve your sales call by making sales calls – a possibly higher stakes version of the role play. Absolutely.
- Keeping busy so you don’t have time to think about being afraid, preparing well (even by repeatedly playing back a recording of yourself) or saying to yourself it isn’t personal – the person on the other side of the conversation doesn’t want to hurt you, also got a mention. Yes.
- One alternative was to suggest that some people just aren’t cut out for it so make that clear up front and weed them out early – or “find the fearless” among the young who don’t know that they should be afraid! Perhaps.
Regardless of what you think of the answers I think they are asking the wrong question and in doing so they are trying to treat the symptoms and not the cause.
Fear, real fear of the oh my god the lion is going to eat me kind, is critical to our survival. It is designed to cause a change in behaviour like freezing or running away. In that respect advice like remember the other person in the sales conversation doesn’t want to hurt you makes good sense. But we aren’t expecting a prospect to eat us so what are we afraid of?
What we fear is that they will say “no”.
That’s all. One word. No. So why does one word have the same power to instill fear as a lion that might want to eat us?
It is because of the implications that one word has for a number of aspects of ourselves that we care about deeply. You can see some of them in Jill Konrath’s own comments to the discussion:
I felt fear that I wouldn’t make it in sales. I was scared that I couldn’t make my monthly quota. And, when I finally did, I was fearful that I couldn’t do it again.
Some of the things I think we all care deeply about are:
- Income. A “no” can mean no income. It can mean no income for me and my family.
- Professional reputation. A “no” can mean my reputation suffers. Too many no’s and my competence may be called into question. If my boss doubts my competence she may decide I am not suited for the job which would mean no income. See point above.
- Self-confidence. A “no” could mean I am not as suited for this job as I thought I was. See point above.
- Self-esteem. A “no” can mean I am no good. A no could be a rejection of who I am. See point above.
Those are the no’s that we do not want to hear. Those are the no’s that we fear. They strike at the heart of who we think we are and the things we are most interested in protecting and enhancing.
In Silvan Tomkins’ Affect Script Psychology what I have just described are the classic triggers for what Tomkins called the shame affect. Tomkins believed we had nine innate affects – interest, fear, startle, distress, anger, enjoyment, disgust, dismell and shame. For sound evolutionary reasons the shame affect is hardwired into us to let us know when something is getting in the way of something good that we want.
It needs to feel bad in order to capture our attention and it feels bad in proportion to our level of interest or desire in obtaining the positive outcome. You cannot not trigger these innate affects – you simply could not live without them.
Generating income is something into which many of us invest a lot of time and energy. We all want to be thought well of by others and particularly by our partner, our friends, our peers and our employers. As a result our level of interest in obtaining, and maintaining, both our income and our professional reputation is high. Any impediment to that interest triggers the shame affect and we feel bad, very bad. (That is part of what is happening when people are made redundant.)
What makes it worse is that we are clever creatures and, once we have survived our teenage years, we can project into the future and anticipate the bad things that might happen to us. We learn to anticipate events that might trigger the shame affect in us and we do what we can to avoid them.
Our affect system is the cause of all the symptoms and it is the place you need to direct your awareness. If you want strategies to “deal with fear” the better questions to ask are:
What are my strategies for dealing with the shame generated by my anticipating that someone will say “no” to me?
What are my strategies for dealing with the shame generated when they do say no to me?
Answers to the first question are what gets you to pick up the phone and make the first call, the answers to the second are what keeps you making those calls even if they repeatedly say “no”. It is what keeps you in the game until you actually learn how to sell, how to get to “yes!”
I would go so far as to say that the best sales people have no shame and I will tell you why that is in my next post.
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If you would like me to come and share with you and your team the insights that come from the experiential learning environments that I create, make me an offer via the Contact Me page or via my LinkedIn profile.
If you enjoyed reading this or my other posts and you would like to read more, you can subscribe and receive them via email simply by putting your email address into the Email Subscription box just on the right of my blog home page. You will receive a confirmation email (which some systems will think is spam so keep an eye on your junk mail) that you need to acknowledge to complete the subscription process.
After you have subscribed, send this post on to your friends. Go on. You know at least one person who should read this post and three more who could use a bit of shaking up… seriously. Do it now. You read this far so send it on! I promise they won’t judge you or think less of you if you do.
a mood of redundancy…
There seems to be a lot of it around at the moment. Redundancy that is. Some close friends and colleagues have come face to face with it in recent times. For some it came quickly and for others it has longer time frame attached. Regardless of the timing, I imagine it can feel a bit like you’ve been kicked in the stomach and had your world turned upside down.
Admittedly those approaching retirement might be pleased with their “package” but for many income security is the most immediate concern. Career progression (assuming there continues to be a career!) is often the next thing on the mind of those who now face the prospect of finding a new role in a different organisation. Then there is the underlying impact on self-esteem and self-confidence of being “redundant”, of being considered surplus to requirements.
It is not surprising that anxiety, distress, fear, anger and shame are common responses. The emotional ripples spread far and wide and they change the mood of all the people that they touch. While redundancy (and the associated “package”) is the domain of the permanent employee, for every employee announced as redundant there is usually at least one contractor that will not have their contract renewed, a consultant who is no longer needed and a supplier who will lose a big client and a big chunk of their cash flow.
It creates a mood of redundancy and that is dangerous because if you are not careful it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Moods, your mood and the mood of the organisation, opens up and closes down futures in ways that few people understand. And I guess that is what I wanted to share in this post. If you have been made redundant recently your mood matters.
I don’t mean to say that in a “Don’t worry, everything will turn out ok. You just need to stay positive… [smiles encouragingly]” sort of way. But I will say that if you can look at what is underneath any negative moods you are experiencing I am confident you will achieve more positive outcomes. (Don’t take my word for it though. I am making that assertion based on a fusion of the work of two great thinkers – Silvan Tomkins and his Affect Script Psychology and Fernando Flores’ ontological discourse.)
In essence, our moods are self-sustaining emotional states driven by how we are thinking about the future. The only way that we can think about the future is to take what we think we know about the past (perhaps adding some other information we have gained from various sources outside our direct experience) and creating futures that we think are possible. Then we act based on those possible futures.
Take for example a mood commonly associated with redundancy – resignation. I think you would agree a mood of resignation comes from having accepted something unpleasant or negative that you cannot do anything about. Because there is nothing that you can do, that is the future that will be created.
I know what you are thinking. I have been made redundant. The company I work for is closing down – there is nothing I can do about that.
That may well be true. Saving the company may be beyond your capabilities. But moods are sneaky. They can colour all of your thinking in the same way the proverbial grey coloured glasses colour everything you see.
If you believe there is nothing you can do to change the future then you will not be able to see the opportunities that are available to you. Your body will register the distress or anger and your mind, bathed in a mood of resignation and so believing in the inevitability of that negative future, will confirm there is nothing you can do to avoid it and then in response magnify your fear and your distress. That reinforces your resignation and round and round you go.
This is the realm of the statement “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are right”.
So I do want to say “You need to stay positive”. (I can’t guarantee it will all be OK and I think worry is useful because it helps us to see what it is we care about.)
It might seem like it is too simplistic to be helpful, but asking yourself what opinions about the future sit underneath your moods is a powerful way of creating new, and possibly better, futures for yourself. No future is guaranteed so the best we can do is guess at what it might be like. So if you find yourself feeling resigned to a particularly negative future, ask yourself is it really true that nothing you do matters because nothing you could do would change the future?
What if there was something? Can you allow for the possibility that there might be something you could do to create a different, more positive future? Would you be interested in that? Could you spend some time wondering what that something might be?
Try it right now. Take one minute to wonder about what you could do to create a better future. Then check on your mood.
I bet you noticed a change. Perhaps you found yourself in a mood of curiosity? And you feel different, a little better? Because now it is possible to do something to create a better future. Now you are able to start to see the opportunities around you that allow that to happen.
Your body will register your curiosity and interest and your lower levels of distress and anger. Your mind, open now to the possibility of a more positive future, can confirm the mood of curiosity as appropriate and will magnify your interest in finding the action that will bring that possible future into reality. That reinforces your mood of curiosity and round and round you go.
If you are not convinced that your mood is tangled up in your assessments of the future then just cast your mind back to last Friday lunch time or the day before you went on annual leave. Your mood will have been linked to what was going to happen in the days that followed. Perhaps your mood could be described as resolute – “I can get through what ever they throw at me today because after 5 pm I am on holidays”. Perhaps it was anxious – “I have so many things to do at home before we can leave for our family holiday tomorrow, I don’t know how I am going to get through them all.”
Try it. If you can find a mood that is not tied to how you are thinking about the future tell me about it in a comment. There might even be a prize. I have a mood of confidence though – I see a future in which you cannot do anything to prove me wrong!
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If you would like me to come and share with you and your team the insights that come from the experiential learning environments that I create, make me an offer via the Contact Me page or via my LinkedIn profile.
If you enjoyed reading this or my other posts and you would like to read more, you can subscribe and receive them via email simply by putting your email address into the Email Subscription box just on the right of my blog home page. You will receive a confirmation email (which some systems will think is spam so keep an eye on your junk mail) that you need to acknowledge to complete the subscription process.
After you have subscribed, send this post on to your friends. Go on. You know at least one person who should read this post and three more who could use a bit of shaking up… seriously. Do it now. You read this far so send it on! I promise they won’t judge you or think less of you if you do.
the gift of seeing into the future
The last slide was headed “Take home messages.” Along with Take the time now to review what worked and what didn’t and Do not fail to plan was this statement:
Don’t do it the first time for real!
Many organisations have plans in place to deal with emergency situations, natural disasters and other types of business interruptions. Not all those organisations actually practice their plans. Apparently only a handful then think outside the limits of the plans as they are written to wonder “What if …?” or ask someone outside the organisation to assess their performance, give feedback and facilitate reflection.
Practice is critically important because when you are actually in it, doing it under pressure, you get to see first hand the quality of the decisions you make. You can see how you and other people on your team behave under pressure and find out what you will actually do when there are only two of you left and there are seven things that need to be done – now!
Reflecting on how you behaved after the event, wondering “What if…?” and inviting feedback from others helps you to imagine new possibilities.
That kind of experience gives you the gift of seeing into the future so you can come back to the present and do things differently.
I think Ric Elias would agree. You probably don’t know Ric but you might have heard about the plane that crash-landed in the Hudson River in New York in January 2009? Ric had a seat in the front row. His five-minute TED talk 3 things I learned while my plane crashed is a compelling take on the same theme. Your life can change in an instant.
That kind of experience gives you the gift of seeing into the future so you can come back to the present and live differently.
It happens during a Samurai Game – not the plane crash but the opportunity to see into the future! You get the opportunity to practice, to do it under pressure, and then to reflect with others who have shared the experience with you. What the majority of people are surprised to discover is that they often have completely different perceptions of what actually happened. They always have different justification for their behaviors and the choices they made – different justifications for how they lived.
Sharing “what I would do in that situation” is one thing, discussing and reflecting on”what I did in that situation” is another thing altogether.
You need the people in your organisation practicing before they have to do it for real. Ethical case studies, like the documents that set out your emergency plan, are a good place to start but they don’t give you the experience that comes with actual practice. Coaching people to improve their communication or leadership style by saying “not everyone sees the situation the same way that you do” is not anywhere near as powerful as the opportunity to experience the subjective nature of our shared reality first hand.
The greatest value comes from the kind of experience that lets you see into the future so you can come back to the present and be differently.
Whatever it is – you need to find an opportunity to practice it. Emergency response plans, ethical decision-making, difficult conversations or even CPR.
Find a way to practice. Today.
You don’t want to do any of them the first time for real.
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This is a revisiting of a post first published in 2011 called don’t do it the first time for real. If you would like me to come and share with you and your team the insights that come from the experiential learning environments that I create, make me an offer via the Contact Me page.
If you enjoyed reading this or my other posts and you would like to read more, you can subscribe and receive them via email simply by putting your email address into the Email Subscription box just on the right of my blog home page. You will receive a confirmation email (which some systems will think is spam so keep an eye on your junk mail) that you need to acknowledge to complete the subscription process.
After you have subscribed, send this post on to your friends. Go on. You know at least one person who should read this post and three more who could use a bit of shaking up… seriously. Do it now. You read this far so send it on! I promise they won’t judge you or think less of you if you do.
finding my own Way 