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i honestly don’t like you

March 27, 2012

There. I said it. I have wanted to say it for a while now but I could never find the right time.

There was that day we had lunch. I was going to tell you then but you had that thing happen with your family. You didn’t need something else thrown at you.

That night we went out for drinks and you were talking about how you hate it when people are not honest with you… I would have told you then but I had a lot of bad stuff going on at work and I really didn’t need the extra hassle of having to deal with the fall out.

I mean, it’s not like I hate you or anything. Actually, when I think about it, there are just a couple of things … no, forget I said that.

OK?

Other than that you are OK.

Good.

I mean you are good. Not just OK …

God that sounds so harsh and I don’t mean it that way. Shit, I knew this was the wrong time to mention it. I should have just kept my mouth shut and dealt with it myself.

No. No?

No! There you go. You are doing it again! And to be truthful, it’s not that I don’t like it – I hate it when you do that. You have no idea how it makes me feel. All these years and I have never said anything. I just hoped you would figure it out and stop. I mean how could you not know?

I’m sorry, it has been a weird week for me and that just kinda came out. I should have said something. I mean, I should have said something a long time ago…

And it has been a strange week for me. In more aspects of my life than I care to count the issue of being honest with people has come up.

I auditioned for a play – “Same time next year” (you can find the movie on YouTube) – that looks at a quite unusual (and intimate) relationship over a period of 25 years. It raises some powerful questions about honesty in our relationships with the people we love, compounded by the fact that we are capable of loving more than one person.

Questions like – is honesty in relationships with our intimates an absolute requirement? Is it required in each moment? Absolutely? At what cost? Why is it so hard?

In the WEST programme we are (I think) working our way as a team towards creating the trust that is needed to be honest in the moment with each other. We are 5 people who up until a month ago had no awareness of each others existence in this world. We have never met face to face and have only spoken via teleconference for probably 7 hours now. While we are part of a team, there are no “real world” consequences to our successes or failures. Despite all that I am finding it hard to be honest in my assessments. Totally honest. So it raises the same questions.

Is honesty with those we work with an absolute requirement? Is it required in each moment? Absolutely? At what cost? Why is it so hard?

If I am honest then how will you take it? What if that prompts you to be honest with me? Absolutely honest! I am not sure I am ready for that…

What the programme and the conversations around the play are reminding me is that there are no easy answers. That anything is hard if you do not practice it and that putting it off until tomorrow only makes it harder. That despite what your body is telling you, there is no time like right now.

And knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.

But to be honest that is not what I wanted to share with you today. I was going to chat with you about context and how important that is when I say things like “I honestly don’t like you”. How the context is everything. But now’s not the right time so I guess it will just have to wait.

Honestly.

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