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it should scare you what I can do

January 31, 2012

A small but significant milestone was reached this past week.

You might not think that it even warrants a mention but for me it was an important day – a day on which I did something that I have not been able to do for a very long time. In fact, I can not honestly remember (or even dream of) a time when I could.

That came as a bit of a shock. A double shock really. That I did it and that I can not remember a time when I could.

Which means that (as far as my mind is concerned) I believe I am, and have always been, a person who can not do that.

Except, I am not that any more. I have, and so I can.

Apparently.

And because of that, and because I did, I think it scared me. So much so that I haven’t tried to do it again since.

I think …  I have been watching for signs to tell me that doing it has left me somehow newly (re-)incapacitated, caused some damage that means I will not (or should not) be able to do it again.

I think … that I am thinking that way because if I can find enough reasons I will be able to return to being what (as far as my mind is concerned) I have always been – a person who still can not do that. That is a place I know well. A place where I feel safe and protected by my limitations.

What makes it weirder is that I never intended for it to happen. If you looked at the list of things that I wanted to do, the things I wanted to achieve over the coming years you wouldn’t see it there. I suppose I had just assumed that I would always be a person who can not do that and that I would find ways to work around my limitations.

But I am not that person any more. I can and I have. And I made the change without even really trying.

(But even as I write I am aware of the messages coming from my mind… “Feel that ache? That is real! You can not argue with that. If you keep thinking you can do it again you will feel more of that…Believe me, you shouldn’t even try unless you really want to hurt yourself!“)

There is something deeply disturbing about it all and I think it is because it raises obvious questions – what else is there?

  • What else is there that I believe I can not do (that is a long, long list) that I use to incorrectly define what I am and what I am not?
  • What else is there that I do not even try to do because I believe that I never have means that I never will?
  • What else is there that I haven’t even dreamed I am able to do that I am capable of achieving?

What else is there?

A small but significant milestone was reached this past week. I bent down and touched my toes and it has shaken my belief in who I am and what I am capable of. That might not scare you but it sure scares me.

***

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Beth Stubberfield permalink
    February 1, 2012 9:44 am

    Absolutely brilliant ! You have such an engaging writing style (and mind). I was on the edge of my seat… wanting to know what it was.

    The blog is very provocative and before I got to the end, I caught myself thinking about many things that I merely dream about.

    Thank you for making my day more positive and refreshing.

  2. February 1, 2012 7:33 pm

    An excellent post about belief Paul, written in a masterly style, this time with suspense woven into your always entertaining and informative mix. Loved it!

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